State of Grace

I didn't really begin learning about Grace until these last few years. 

I didn't really know what it meant.  Still not sure I fully grasp it.  Actually, I'm sure that I don't. 

When I was really young, my family attended a super spiritually dead church.  It was boring as all get-out.  I always fought going.  I'm sure I threw my share of tantrums.  Then life happened, as it tends to do, and we ended up switching churches.  I learned a lot of truth there, in this new church, over the next several years.  For that, I am thankful.  I think I learned some great things, but also began to develop my list of what not to do.  It wasn't so much about what TO do. 

Don't drink. 
Don't smoke. 
Don't curse. 
Don't have sex before marriage. 

These were some of the things that seemed to separate the "good" Christians from--well, everyone else.  The basics.  I remember being super judgmental about people who did any of the things listed above. 

Until I grew up.  A little, at least. 

By the time I had reached my twenties, I'd done pretty well with the above list.  (AKA I had not encountered much temptation.)  I led Bible studies.  I tried to do all the right things.  
And quite frankly, I was exhausted.  Trying to be perfect all the time is truly exhausting. 

After college I went through a bit of a wild period.  What most people probably go through in college, I went through post-college.  I don't regret it, really.  I also don't think there's anything anyone could have said or done that would have changed that part of my life.  

The perfectionist in me wants to cringe for a second when I look back.  When I remember some of the decisions I've made.  Can't we all say the same?  If I had not been through some hard things in my life or screwed up a time or two (or way more), I do not think I would know my need for Grace.  What do I mean by that? I mean that I wouldn't know that on my own, I'm not good.  I wouldn't know that I needed a God to come in and pick me up and dust me off and to whisper: keep going.  It's going to be o.k.  Keep your eyes on me.  

Here's the truth: 

I've run from God.  Time and time again.  It's what i know.  I'm someone who has screwed up enough to know that I need Grace.  When times are good, we don't necessarily recognize our need to look to our Savior.  A friend recently shared this quote with me and the truth of it has burned it's way into my heart: "If we think we are usually good, then God is usually irrelevant." (Ed Welch). Whoa. 

The cool thing is--God knows all of this.  He knows my heart.  He knows yours.  He takes the brokenness aside and can turn it into something beautiful.  And THAT is the hope that I will choose to cling to. 

And when it comes to this notion of Grace.  Here's what I've learned so far--it doesn't run out.