Be Expectant

So.  Maybe you've noticed I haven't been so active on the ol' blogosphere in recent months.  I don't really have a good reason for that, other than I've just been experiencing "writer's block."  Well, that's probably not the real reason.  It's really that when I don't want to feel, I don't write.  Can't write.  Ick.  I have about 50 drafts of blog entries that I have started and then stopped because I even lost interest in what I was saying.  (Which probably isn't a great sign.) It didn't feel authentic.  And if it doesn't feel authentic--what's the point?

 It's been quite a year.  I've lost a job.  And gained one.  I've moved.  I've changed churches.  I've lost some friends.  And gained some.  And reconnected with old friends.  I don't think I've been in a place where I've wanted to write about any of it (even though most of the changes turned out to be good.) I think through the ups and downs of the last year, my hope became unsteady.  I didn't want to face it. 

 

Truthfully, I think I've been in a bit of a haze this past year.  I thought I was self aware.  And maybe there were moments that I truly was.  But for the most part, I was not present in my own skin.   Certainly not in my own life.  I decided to numb the feelings.  Numb the fear of not knowing the next step.  Numb the not feeling worthy of anything good to come my way. 

 

I saw the quote pictured below the other day and just loved it.  When things are not going so peachy, our hopes can be so easily dashed.  In the dry seasons if life, I find that it is more difficult to be expectant of blessing.  It's more difficult to look for God to work. Those are the times I have to take a time out and remind myself that if God is who He says He is...then He will do what He says He will do.  

Sometimes faith is wavering.  Distant.  I think that's normal.  Well, I hope that's normal.  But what I think I have to do is start making a concerted effort to show up for my own life.  Every day.  Because this is it.  I think that for a long time I was just waiting.  Waiting for my life to begin.  It turns out, it already has.  This is all part of it.  The not knowing.  The uncertainty.  The doubts.  The hopes.  The fears.  The disappointments.  The joys.  The mistakes.  It all gets you to the next right place.  Not so long ago, a wise friend of mine said something that seemed so poignant and yet effortless.  He told me that it takes every ounce of your past and present to get you to your future.  I whole-heartedly believe that he's right. 

 

So in the meantime, I will keep trying to trust.  Because this is my life.  I want to show up for it.  And I want to see how my story continues to unfold.