"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

I used to be afraid.  Of most things.  Probably all of the usual things.  Public speaking.  When i was a child i was afraid of drowning--despite the fact that i was a good swimmer.  Maybe flying.  And i'm not talking about serious phobias here, i'm just saying things that normally frighten people--i, too, was afraid of.  I've talked to a couple of people this week that have gotten me thinking about fears.   

I don't think that the few fears i've listed above are really our greatest fears--no, i don't think they even actually make the top of the list.  One of our greatest fears is being hurt by other people.  Emotionally.  Most of us are actually just wounded people underneath the exteriors we put forth--trying to avoid more pain.  I think another of our greatest fears is being alone.  There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.  It's the loneliness that we cannot bear.  I talked to two people this week that basically confirm this theory of mine.  One friend told me that he hates being alone.  He will do almost anything to be out of the house and not be alone.  He'll do anything to fill the emptiness of being alone.  Another friend told me that he thinks it's safer to be alone.  He's scared of getting hurt again.  Both are avoiding pain, just in opposite ways. 

I relate to the second friend more than the first.  I'm not afraid of being alone.  I don't like feeling lonely, but sometimes i need to be alone to recharge or renew my energy.  I'm more afraid of letting people in and then being hurt by them.  But aren't we all?  Maybe our childhoods make it difficult for us to open up and let people in.  Perhaps it's our relationship track record that makes it difficult to let people in and dare to know us.  So, what do we do with that fear?

Well, we can do one of two things.  We can stay closed off.  We can vow to be alone for the long haul.  We can decide that we are going to protect ourselves at whatever cost. Not let anyone in.  Stay safe. 

But there is another option.  We can decide that we are not as in control as we like to think we are.  We can decide to open up again because relationships involve risk.  And it's scary.  It's scary to open yourself up and feel.....exposed.  But like i told my second friend--who wants to come to the end of their lives and be able to pat themselves on the back because they were hurt the LEAST amount of times?  Sure, maybe it was safer.  But who wants safer? You can choose to open yourself up and be real and vulnerable with other people.  It's the risk you choose to take because you value the connection you have with another human being over the possibility of consequences. 

The older i've gotten, the more i've learned that we're not all that different from one another.  We are people who have endured difficult things--some more difficult than others--and we're just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. We avoid pain because we are human.  Not because we are the most wounded person on the planet. 

So, what's my greatest fear?  To be specific--it's probably abandonment.  I can choose to live in that fear and never let anyone in.  But i won't.  It's not worth it.  I can choose to trust in my God.  He has a plan specifically tailored to me.  He wants to see me grow and blossom and not be held back with fear.  He loves it when we declare that His ways are higher than our own and that we long for His will to take shape in our lives.  Because here's the thing: God is bigger than our fears.  He's bigger than our disappointments.  He's bigger than our pasts.  So today i choose His will for my life.