S.A.D. ?

***note: this is a pretty raw blog entry. brace self. :)***

All the usual suspects are here. Pumpkin Spice coffee....check. Ipod...check. But. It's raining. Lots of times i blog about rain....good rain. Today doesn't feel like good rain. And i think i am one of those people whose moods are affected by the weather. Maybe by the change in season. But, i'm perplexed by this...because, as you know, i love fall. love it. But today i feel sad. (newsflash: i don't have it all together.) Seasonal Affective Disorder? Maybe. Or maybe it's an off-week. Not sure.

But i think this week--it's been a combination of things. Lonely has crept in this week. Not good enough has gotten a foothold. Sad has found it's way back to me. Why? Ok, this is what i think. I think that i've been reminded this month of where i was this time last year. Of what was going on in my life. It felt like life was coming together. You've probably figured out that i've struggled with depression and anxiety for a lot of my life. So. I'll admit it, i've wallowed. I've felt a desperation to fall back into old addictive behaviors. It happens. It's more than likely happened to you. (If you've never been through anything that's made you want to fall on your face and cry out to God, let's be honest, this is probably not the blog for you... )

So, the change in season has triggered some of this, i believe. How do you get yourself out of the hole--the pit-- when you feel like you've fallen in and don't remember the way out? Well, i've reached out. To people that are safe. I've practiced self-care. I've made a spa appointment for this weekend. I have my mom and sister and adorable niece coming into town this weekend. Last night i started making a "vision board." (it's basically a poster of clippings and words of things that you want more of in your life.) It's not for everyone, but it's something that i needed to do to get back on track. I put words like "authenticity" on it. I even have a picture of a person knitting on it. (yep.) I put a quote on it that i found in a magazine: "Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you...this turning toward what you deeply love saves you." I love that. And it's the very thing i have to do. Turn toward what you deeply love. Turn to God. Turn to Him to fight the battle for me. He is what i deeply love. And here's the thing--He is able. Able to do infinitely more than i can ever ask or imagine. (ephesians 3:20). So in the midst of feeling blue--seasonally or otherwise--i choose to keep going. Just today. One foot in the front of the other. Clinging to Him every step of the way.

Maybe you can relate?