For You Have Been My HOPE, O Soveriegn Lord, My Confidence Since My Youth~Psalm 71:5

Hope.

It's an interesting word. Even more interesting of a concept. Seems simple enough. But when you lose it--when you can't find your hope--the world looks different. Hopeless is a scary place to be.

So this word "hope" keeps coming up for me. In conversations, in art, you name it. Why? Because i believe the Lord is trying to remind me where my hope comes from...and also where it doesn't come from. (Gosh, 2012 blogging seems like it's been a downer....eek :/). 2011 seemed more hopeful. But i have to go back to the beginning of my blogging experience. February 2011. It was not pretty. I think i was in that hopeless place. Broken place. Dark place. Whatever you want to call it. But by the end of 2011 i was singing the Lord's praises and happy. Very happy.

Then, after a crappy New Years and break-up to follow, i've chased after things that i thought would distract me from the heartache. Wounds from long ago and even more recent wounds. But it's funny--sin is a slippery slope. It can be atleast. I think i've been rebelling against my God. I've essentially been telling Him that i want things my way. Not his. My behaviors would suggest this atleast. I've run so hard from Him. And it's not the first time. One of the first times was just after college when i felt lost. Another time of feeling lost has been this year. 2012. Let's just dub the beginning of 2012 as The Year Susan Lost her Way. :) (If you've never been to the dark place in your own heart, then you probably don't "get" me.) It's the year that addictive brain of mine was realized. I'm not going to divulge all the ways i've tried rebelling. But just trust me when i say "i've rebelled." Guilty. As. Charged.

But instead of beating myself up for this, i'm going to accept it. I think that acceptance is the first step toward change. Accept where i am. Good, bad, ugly. Acceptance may just be the FIRST step out of the pit. Remembering in whom my hope is in. That's my next step. Remembering whose i am. When my hope went out the window, i believe my identity did as well. I forgot who i was. This is also a scary place to be.

It usually takes hitting the bottom of the pit to realize that it's time to run back to truth. To Love. To Hope. I lost sight of my faith. As we humans often do.

But my hope began to return to me. This week. Why? Because i began to surrender. I began to say, Lord, this is where i am. I'm broken and i'm lost. But i feel chained to the bottom of this pit. "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as i walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn or praise to our God..."(psalm 20:1-3).

He's restoring my hope.

I felt the pull to buy a canvas for my office the other day. It says "Hope Is..." and then has dozens of words that describe hope. Recently, a sweet friend sent me a card and it was beautiful--it said something on the front, but all i can recall is the word "hope." A new friend looked at me Wednesday night this past week and said "you have hope, don't you?" She could see it. And so could I.

So i'm not completely in the clear from the mud and the mire. But i'm on my way out. Because there's hope. Because there is One so much greater than me. He restores my hope. My faith. He breaks the chains that hold me down in the pit. Envelops me with love.