The Unexpected...

***Brace self for another (long) honest blog entry***

So, as you know, this week i celebrated my birthday. Birthdays are a big deal to me. They just are. When asking my friend Katie why birthdays are a big deal to me, she reminded me that birthdays for us are like milestones..."like laying stones in the Jordan kind of stones. " (Joshua 4:3). (I know, she's kind of amazing).

The last two birthdays have been a little difficult. (Sure, i celebrated with friends last weekend. And that was a blast. ) But the actual days have been surprisingly hard. The last two birthdays i've been fresh out of relationships when my birthday came around. Which only intensifies the lonely. And it's funny--i felt like i was completely fine, until the day before and my actual birthday. It was as if the enemy had cast a shadow over my heart--over my joy--for about 48 hours or so. Tough to explain. I found myself reliving the grief of last year and finally feeling the grief from this year. Ugh. Talk about a bummer on your birthday. I had insomnia. I was in tears all day--partially from the insomnia--and partially because of a visitor i had. My father. I haven't written much about him. On purpose. But he wanted to come up for the afternoon and take me to lunch. It made me feel incredibly special that he wanted to come up to see me on a special day. But after no spoken "happy birthday" wishes, a card that suggests we have a closer relationship than we actually do, an afternoon of doing exactly what he wanted to do, finding that he has totally blocked from his memory the life we had when my parents were still together, and one argument later----i felt drained. Simply empty.

So i wandered around after that. Didn't know where to go or what to do. I had a couple of different sets of plans for that evening--they each fell through for various reasons. I went home and was thrilled to hear the familiar bark of my (sometimes) sweet pup Sophie. :) I was finally home. Safe.

The day was almost over when i found a package at my front door. A completely unexpected package. It was exquisite---everything from the gifts to the card to the way it was all wrapped. Unexpected. I was simply blown away. Such kindness. I received love from many people that day---so please don't think i don't appreciate the messages and calls and gifts, because i certainly do--but this was the first time all day that i allowed myself to feel loved. And it made me weep.

Sometimes people do unexpected things that disappoint us. And sometimes people come out of nowhere and blow our minds. Kind of like God. Sure, sometimes He does things that we question or don't understand or get angry over (if we're being honest). Circumstances don't make sense alot of the time. But that's when it's time to feel our feelings and then keep going. One foot in front of the other. And KNOW that He's going to make it all work together for our good. There are also times that God really comes through. There are times that He blows my mind with how he will rain down blessings into my life and the lives of those around me. So. I feel inspired. Inspired to love those around me better. More on purpose. Today i'm so thankful.

We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19.

A new command i give you: Love one another. As i have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34