The Girl who Played with Fire

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've not felt like myself. I've been sad. I've had no words. Honestly, i haven't wanted to even search for the words. I've just wanted to "numb" myself from feeling anything. Which sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. I've started writing several blog entries...only to not post them because i felt they were too raw. Too real. Too much.

I've found myself on the brink of being self-destructive. Ever been there? Ever realized you were playing with fire and not had enough strength to say no to a tempting situation? Well, i've been there. Just recently. In the fire. I've felt angry. At myself. At God. For letting me be in potentially damaging situations. I've felt apathetic to getting myself out of these situations. Atleast i did feel that way.

But today is different. It's different because of an amazing (long lost :)) friend who gave me a reality check from a place of love. She shared her story with me and i have to say i believe that God brought her into this season of my life for such a purpose. It's too timely to have not been God.

And here's the thing. I want to get to a place where i don't beat myself up for getting into tempting predicaments. Today i choose to remember that i am human. Today i let go of that desire to be perfect. Today i choose to believe that God uses everything for my good (Romans 8:28*). God can make something beautiful out of the darkness. Out of the dust. Out of confusion. Out of pure junk. Out of the heaviness you (i) feel in my heart.

And because i am human, there will be times that i play with fire. But that's when i will remind myself that it is in the fire that i find out more about myself and more about God and his love for me. Maybe, just maybe, it's through the fire--through the trials---that He's making me into the person He would have me become. Perhaps he's refining me.....like silver.

For you, o God, tested us; you refined us like silver. Psalm 66:10.

These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:7.

*And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.