Gypsy Souls...

(brace yourself: my thoughts are deep and scattered this morning) :)

I think i dressed up as a gypsy for halloween as a child. It was a pretty easy costume. Perhaps huge dangly earrings and bangles. Maybe a scarf and big skirt. I can't really remember. But that's not the point. The point is i've started to wonder this week if i have a "gypsy soul." I started to wonder if i have a hard time standing still. Staying in one place. In relationships, in jobs, whatever.

gypsy soul: a person prone to wander; who does not like to stay put

Well, the conclusion that i've come to is this: Yes. I am prone to wander. Bad thing? ehh. Normal thing? absolutely. Aren't we all prone to wander? (I suddenly hear the hymn: Prone to wander, Lord i feel it. Prone to leave the God i love, Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; Seal it for the courts above.....) Here's the thing. I am most prone to wander when i feel disconnected from myself--from my authentic self. THAT is the moment i want to escape. THAT is the moment that fantasies of moving to Ireland aren't far from my thoughts. We all want to escape our feelings, don't we? It's not comfortable to feel our feelings all the time.

After a long yoga hiatus--when i came back to the studio expecting to be scolded by my favorite instructor--he gently said "Susan, some people resist yoga. We resist being present with ourselves. Because it's uncomfortable." Ah, yes, it is uncomfortable to be in the present. And feel my feelings. I like to run. Wander. But. There is something wonderful about staying. Staying present in my body.....present with my soul. Feeling my feelings. Staying true to Susan.

Greater than my belief that i am a 'gypsy soul', is my fear of 'gypsy souls'. I'm terrified of those who leave. Or that i expect to leave. Or those who leave by "checking out" emotionally.

So maybe--just today--i will lay down my fear. I will trust myself and the decisions that i make. Today, i will not wander. Today i will attempt to stay present. Stay true. Because in the end, i think we're all gypsy souls in one way or another---just trying to find our way.