Letting Go

I was reading this morning:

All these years, these angers, these hardenings, this desire to control, I had thought i had to snap the hand closed to shield joy's fragile flame that blasts. In a storm of struggles, I had tried to control the elements, clasp the fist tight so as to protect self and happiness. But palms curled into protective fists fill with darkness. I feel that sharply, even in this...and this realization in all its full emptiness: My own wild desire to protect my joy at all costs is the exact force that kills my joy.

Flames need oxygen to light.

Flames need a bit of wind.

...There it is, the secret of joy's flame: Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives LOVE and whisper surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And i can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because i am full of His love. I can trust.

I can let go.

I hadn't known that joy meant dying.

..dying to self demands that i might gratefully and humbly receive the better, the only things that a good God gives.

--Ann Voskamp: "One Thousand Gifts" p. 180-181.

God wants better for us. The God of the universe wants better for me? Yes. He does.

Through years of angers. Through years of struggles. Through years of tears. He wants to be in control. He so longs for me to let go of my own desire to control my life. He wants better for me. He wants me to open up my fist and let go so that joy's flame can be lit.

Today, I want to get back to basics. I want to open my fists and let go. Really, truly, let go. The only real way to find joy and inner peace is to let go. Die to self. Empty myself out. I think emptying myself out also means trying to let go of the past. That's why i began this whole blogging adventure. To help heal my past hurts. To get them out on "paper." Today, i choose to let go just one more degree. I choose to open my fists and let go today. Surrender. And i can trust in Him because He only gives love.